Tips for Playing It Safe

Here are some helpful tips and practical things that you can do to help get you through BWVAKTBOOM.

  • Sex Proofing

    Mount all TVs, paintings, and mirrors securely to the wall; cover all sharp edges with cushions; and affix a soft pad to your headboard. Similar to earthquake- and baby-proofing but way more rewarding.

  • Set Goals

    Your vegan boyfriend has one goal in mind: a sexual marathon. One example of your goal would be: Finish many times, and don't break your pelvis. Do this and you'll both be winners.

  • Industrial Strength Condoms

    Standard condoms are no match for your vegan boyfriend's high-caliber finishing move. Invest in a heavy-duty variety for maximum protection.

  • Kegel Exercises

    Contracting your pelvic floor muscles throughout the day will strengthen your special area and help you withstand your vegan boyfriend's super-power.

  • Breathe

    Just a friendly reminder.

  • Silent Screaming

    Unless you live in a secluded farmhouse, you might want to master the art of the "silent scream." Orgasm yelling is a hard thing to control and, if not tempered, can result in hefty fines for noise violations.

  • Headboard Hydration

    When lovemaking is this long and intense, you can become dehydrated. Girlfriends of newly vegan boyfriends have been known to lose up to 5 pounds of water weight during particularly intense sessions. Experts recommend replacing that fluid if you want to keep up. We recommend installing a crude hydration station on your headboard and filling it with 72 ounces of water or your favorite electrolyte replacement drink.

  • Sex Helmet

    Vegan sex can be more aggressive than Civilian Sex. Which is why we encourage wearing a helmet during intercourse. You need to protect yourself. But staring at a conventional helmet can ruin the moment. So get a helmet that matches your hairstyle. Or add some zest by changing things up. Then strap it down, hop in bed, and hold on tight.

  • Goggles

    Your newly vegan boyfriend is sitting on a sexual howitzer. Protect your corneas from his turbocharged loads with OSHA-approved goggles.

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